My childhood best friend, E.G., got engaged 8 months ago today.
My post comes 8 months overdue, but it comes on an evening I found all my thoughts drifting towards her, her photos on social media with her partner, contemplating the life she’s built for herself.
My sister, Sadness, and I were dining together earlier this evening, when she told me,
“Joy, you you, you have a way with words..no matter what you tell me, it does not surprise me because I know your words got you this, that, and there, they can get you anywhere.”
So here I am using the thing i am apparently best at, to express my love, my heartfelt pride, and my happiness, to someone… SO DEAR, to my heart.
E.G is the most delicate human being you’ll ever meet, like a beautiful butterfly- literally.
She’s the most kind heart-ed being. She carries the innocence of a child; do not get me wrong though, life has taught her lots of things.
Her choice to get engaged comes from a fully grown lady, a lady I admire and cherish with all of my heart. I may have failed to show her this through actions, physical gestures, and social media “likes” and “hearts”.
But … deep down is where it all matters, isn’t it? All the feelings, all the thought, all what you wish someone?
I admire her, partly because she has the courage to love; a courage I sometimes doubt I have or know how to use. Do you?
I may have the courage to fight for my career, for my professional and personal growth and development, my survival from a dramatic accident and chronic injuries, but she…
She fought and lost many battles at love,
but she also won – a lot more than she ever lost, in my eyes at least.
Love breaks, in ways we each grew familiar with in our own ways, don’t you think?
Her story is a fairy tale, but there’s a catch:
to date, I do not know exactly how to feel having someone as dear be engaged. Some of you may think, it’s the cycle of life, nothing changes, it’s the normal thing that should have happened…
But, for those of you who like me, may think a bit further of this big step for someone like E.G.,who has had her share of right and wrong relationships, then I feel differently, and at one point I felt like I “had fallen out of her life”.
For instance, I keep feeling I should have done something: I should have been there, at the proposal, after the proposal; I should have brought that gift, or sent that card I never sent but i blame life for diverting our paths or putting in new people I barely know.. or maybe I even blame myself for having decided to travel for two years to pursue a masters, knowing she had something potentially serious going on, yet i couldn’t keep in touch in the same way we were..
Life did put us on different paths, and sometimes, I think maybe I should have taken that extra mile every time i had the chance or time to stay in her life the same way we use to be, maybe then she wouldn’t feel disappointed of me or our friendship, or wonder where did we stop being that close in daily life.
But tonight, I see that those phone chats we share now and then, those occasional Sunday brunches, and those flawless memories we share from our childhood and in our innocent hearts still have us registered as the friends we use to be, exactly, and it’s all just more in my head.
As the day passed by today, I had a different take on life;
A little context for how i was inspired to post tonight:
I have been on a short unexpected period “off” work and this past week, I’ve been enjoying the little things, like
My mum, being with her to pray, to shop, to prepare lunch at home.. like
My Dad, his cuddling knowing that he is a stiff, solid Man;
my sister coming back from work, with the same drained and beaten look on her face only i am there to console her, listen to her, feed her, or just listen to her learning about low people, unprofessional and undeserving managers..
my workout, runs, and training at the gym and outdoors as they reminded me of how good i feel about myself once i accomplish those little training milestones.
Tonight, I finally realize I did not “fall out of E.G.’s life”, but out into her second line of defense
All relationships evolve, romances above all.
From a young married couple in their 20s and 30s, to their 80s or 70s, love alone or the flame does not survive, it’s rather the entire package, the respect, the admiration, the caring, the taking care of each other, the dreams and plans you see with your significant other, the interests you share or different tastes you experience because of each other..
[PS: For those of you with a richer experience on love than mine, please feel free to share your lesson in the comments sections: I for one would learn so much from you, really.]
So, if that is true and the package is the key, then i know with her getting engaged, life shifted my positions, in her life.
I need to allow life to make these changes, else i’d ruin its plans for my loved ones; i see now how i fell right into E.G.’s second line of defense.
I am no longer in the front row, enjoying a close up view, but rather sat on that balcony, where she owns the stage, she is its star, and she knows I am there and will be, whenever she signals it:)
Try not to jump into conclusions or allow your doubts or fear of losing a close one push you to move out of their life because they sure want you in it. At least, this is my lesson from E.G.
Being in second line of defense is in fact, key and crucial. If you are not there, who would protect her heart, which is initially inside, closer to your line than the first, cause who builds a fortress and sits outside of it? You’re that second line, that inner circle, not that outer layer. Enjoy it, see it, feel it, and act like it.
Keep your warm memories of you two, cherish the other’s adventures and love stories, be there for them as much as you can. As you do your best to do all these, your dear one sees it or must see it one day – at least what i believe today, in this situation, with these thoughts, at my age of 27.
I know I count and I know how happy it makes me to see her so grown up; exactly my age she is.. but way ahead of me in the courage she has to love.
E.G., may the odds be forever in your favour. I love you.
Feb.23, 2017 at 2.38am